The subject that made me feel small
My early relationship with English was mainly shaped by school. From primary school to university, my marks were often close to the pass line. Other students seemed to remember vocabulary and understand grammar more easily. I began to think that I simply did not have a talent for languages. Each disappointing result appeared to confirm this belief.
At that time, English felt like a collection of symbols that I had to memorise. A word was a spelling, a Chinese translation and perhaps a sentence in a textbook. I focused on remembering the right answer rather than understanding what someone might actually want to say. English was something I studied, but it did not feel like something I could use.
This attitude affected my confidence. When I struggled, I usually blamed myself instead of questioning my methods. I thought successful learners possessed an ability that I lacked. Looking back, the most damaging result was not a low mark itself. It was the belief that a mark could explain my whole relationship with a language.
A month of pressure
After graduation, applying for a master's degree gave me a strong reason to face English again. I needed an IELTS result that would meet the entry requirements. I enrolled in an intensive residential course, hoping that a strict timetable and professional teaching would solve problems I had carried for years.
The month was exhausting. Classes began at eight in the morning, and I often continued studying until two the next morning. Because my foundation was weak, keeping up required a huge amount of effort. I was trying to understand new information while repairing gaps in basic knowledge. There was little time to pause and work out why something was difficult.
I had expected hard work to lead directly to a good result. However, my first IELTS attempt fell well below what I needed. The disappointment was especially painful because I knew how much time I had invested. I had followed the timetable, attended the classes and pushed myself, yet the result still felt like failure.
The notes in Figure 1 make this period concrete. English words sit beside Chinese explanations, showing how often I depended on translation to remember them. Chinese itself was not the problem. What was missing was a situation in which I could use the words. The photograph now helps me distinguish between having a full page of vocabulary and being able to express an idea.
Looking back differently
Li Wei’s view of language learning as cultural translation helped me reconsider this period. In the course handout, this perspective connects language learning with making meaning across cultural experiences. I had spent years preparing to be assessed, with much less attention to what English could allow me to notice, explain or share.
Chinese was already a language of memories, feelings and everyday relationships for me. English had not yet developed those connections. This difference did not prove that I was unable to learn. It showed that the two languages occupied very different places in my life. I had been comparing a familiar world with an unfamiliar subject.
My first IELTS result left me frustrated rather than confident. However, it also made me question whether I should continue learning in the same way. I could not control the past result, but I could examine my next step. That question led me towards independent study, which became the turning point in my journey.
Course source: Course handout. English in My World. Written assignment guidelines, 2026, pp. 1–2. Li Wei’s perspective is discussed through this handout.